Getting the partner involved?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Understood. As I said, the problem seems to be that he wants to try, but doesn't really know where to start, and I'm not sure how to help him out there, being new to all this myself.

Ohhhh... Well, that's a completely different problem altogether. I thought you meant he just wasn't interested.

In that case, you and him might sit down together and read over the pages found at http://www.castlerealm.com The info there is dated, but it's still good and there are quite a few good pieces for beginners.

Also, maybe have him sign up here. He could ask questions and get comments about what's going on in his mind. He would also be expeosed to the many ideas that the perverts... I mean, experts... here can think of.

I look forward to seeing what happens.

[MrJerseyGuy]

I've found it to be a very powerful compulsion...the need for bdsm. The less you get it, the more you want it. You might try writing him a letter with your deepest fantasy described in detail. He might get turned on by that. Some might disagree but I've always found letters a very effective was to communicate with someone I love. Not that you can't talk face to face...but in a letter you get to express and explain your thoughts in detail without being interrupted...and your partner can go back and reread it several times until its clear to him/her.

I've said in several previous posts that I would have a very difficult time going back to a vanilla relationship. I like to think my current relationship is forever, but I'm also realistic...shit happens. I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

Good luck in yours...keep us posted!

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I'f I tried to take on a "mainstream" sexual relationship it would be unfair to my partner because I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be satisfied with it.

I know exactly how you feel. I took a four year break from BDSM while I was involved with two vanilla girls and it was never really very satisfying. I always wound up finding some way of tying them up... and losing the pics. LOL

[albear]

Another possibility is that he says he's willing to give it a go, but he's only saying it because he loves you and wants to please you. Maybe it's just not his thing at all. Maybe he just doesn't know where to start.

If he doesn't know where to start...well, thats easily fixed! I'm sure you'll be more than happy to give him a few pointers

If he's only going to do it to please you...well, you either have to let it go, or go on with him not really into it. And that can stale a relationship really quickly (speaking from personal experience)

Just thought I'd add my two bob seeing as this is something I've been through recently.
Good luck to ya!

[rob.wilson]

My wife and I have a Nilla relationship, she just doesn't have any interest in BDSM.

Yes, I agree with the others that once you start feeling either Dominate or submissive feelings your lying to yourself if you don't explore these feelings. And yes it's important to discuss these feelings with him.

Maybe he just doesn't "get it." There are various books and websites that explore the psychology of our little kink. Bondage.com and the Castlerealm site are wonderful resources for both of you to explore and learn. I'm sure www.janesguide.com has some great links also.

Maybe he doesn't want to "hurt" you. I know from personal experience that it's hard to overcome the ingrained behavior to never hit a woman. As a pacifist, it took me a while to seperate the "violence" of a BDSM relationship from everyday run of the mill violence.

Finally, if he does love you he'll accept these feelings your having. My wife accepts the fact that I visit sites like this and attended local BDSM functions.

Our relationship is a series of constant negoitions and talks, but it works pretty well for us.

[rlsk]

Thanks for the websites -- they were so informative and helpful.

The update: I spent a long time researching and thinking of a good first step. Sat down with him tonight and presented it. He said he'd think about it and give me an answer on Friday. I got a very different vibe from him this time -- I suspect he said he was interested to be nice, and now that I've gotten into specifics he's trying to find a way out of it. I understand; as I said, I don't want to force him.

[fetish101]

sorry to hear about your skepticism rlsk. I hope his answer is favorable, and if not, oh well. It's then a matter of how in love you are and how bad your need is for a bdsm relationship. If the former is stronger than the latter, then I wish you much happiness in your relationship, bdsm or not.

Fetish101