Brosco it seems to me that the wife has said many things to contradict what you are saying. You feel that the Dom is not an abuser, yet Tojo pointed out a line in which she did use those exact words!

She also said these disturbing words:

Donghtong likes dominating me because it’s a thing of power. Trully, I don’t understand completely what he means because he makes me feel like I am the bad/stupid person. (Sorry, I don't know how to insert from her post.)

Those words scream abuse to me. You say that your sister was in an abusive relationship for over 20 years! Surely at some point she told you how he treated her, things he said, etc. Maybe you even did some research on domestic violence, in which case I would think you would be concerned for this lady too! You don't make someone you love feel bad or stupid. Now if he is calling her a "bad little girl" in a scene, that's one thing, but she isn't very clear, and it just makes me think the worst.

She also had this to say:

The problem is his power issue/desire to control has a lot of humiliation in it (and constant) and involves punishment that is sometimes too painful. Sometims it is too hard, but we let it go.

She does state that they let it go, but if a woman is being abused, it is more likely that she is letting it go. In other words, what I take from this, is that to prevent things from escalating even further, she probably listens to him apologize profusely and listens to him tell her that he will never let it happen again, hoping that it won't. Problem there is, it will happen again, and again, and again. Btw...if the humiliation is private or not, we also don't know. We don't even know what type of humiliation it is. Btw....I happen to like humiliation within a D/s relationship when it is time for play, but punishment that is too painful or hard is not acceptable.

And finally this:

However, he is strong with his words, and they hurt sometimes. He gets very frustrated with my behavior, and because I can’t make up a decision on my own- let's the words fly.

Verbal abuse, physical abuse...neither is good. I was assaulted by an ex b/f some years back while in a vanilla relationship. I never had any signs that he might do this to me and I had known him for 20 years. We had only been living together for about 2 1/2 years when the assault took place. I did lots of research, because like dongthongs wife I felt I had done something wrong. Then I talked with some folks in domestic violence centers, and found out that it is a pattern for abusers to first try and control, then to change little things about you...the way you dress and the way you fix your hair and make-up. His father had abused his mother and he was continuing a cycle.

BDSM is supposed to be safe, sane, and concensual, neither of which I am seeing from the little I have read from this lady. That is my concern. I don't want her to be hurt, nor him either, for that matter. But I do call 'em how I see 'em! And this reeks of abuse! IMHO anyway.