tessa's first assignment: "the deflowering project"

[tessa]

I just got a chance to see this. It is quite good. In particular, I enjoyed the language used and the jolting contrast between the juxtaposed conversations...or was it a note she was reading? The jolt between the two made a difficult transition quite readable.

I was trying to let the reader inside her mind, to know that her mind wasn't on her mother's words, but his words. How certain words from her own comments would pull her thoughts away from the phone conversation with her mother and cause her to think on what he'd said to her while she was with him. I didn't pull it off as well as I wanted to, but hopefully by writing here, I can figure out how to write it the way I want the reader to feel it, how I truly want it to translate.

Also, I will add that the language used reminds me, not a little, of the style of writing more typically used by James Oliver Curwood and other writers of his time.

I am quite ignorant of James Oliver Curwood's books. But as my Grandma would say to me on occasion, "the difference between ignorance and stupidity is the willingness to learn", so I'll be looking him up pretty quick like.

There were a couple of mistakes that a proof reading would have fixed, but nothing particularly egregious.

I went nearly blind proof reading that story. Damn. Where are they? Little buggers.

Quite frankly, it reminded me of moments in my own life; conversations interupted by what I was reading or remembering. Very good

.
That you thought it "quite good", that you "enjoyed the language used" and that something I wrote evoked an actual from-life feeling for you, well Mr. Dean, I am all the way through tickled pink! For feeling it and for telling me about it, thank you very much.

To prowl through your author's mind while I might have it so inclined my way...keeping the basic format of how I want to present the story, what would you suggest that would tighten it up, make it fly high with the reader?

Truly, thanks again for being so supportive.

[H Dean]

To prowl through your author's mind while I might have it so inclined my way...keeping the basic format of how I want to present the story, what would you suggest that would tighten it up, make it fly high with the reader?

As Mad Lews suggested, the POV changes are difficult, at best. True, the italisized text aided in this, though not so much as the definative differences in voice. I am reticent to offer ways that might make this a bit deeper, simply because I do not wish to re-write anything. However, I will try to offer a few things...

[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]“Hello? Hey, Mom. No, it’s okay. I’m just unpacking from the trip is all. It was a great weekend. Yes, that place up the coast that Laura heard about.”

She conversed, barely able to concentrate on aught but memories of her lover as he spake words that made her tremble"To have you all to myself, little one, here with me, for the first time, is such a gift. This is just the beginning for us. We will explore together and discover our passions. We will find paradise in each other. Come to me, my love. Let me lead you to the place where we both crave to dwell.[/COLOR]

Of course, that's a quick suggestion. I am certain that what I offered is a bit rough, but you could have offered it similarly to make the differences more obvious. Moreover, similar interjections could have lent a bit more to the obvious torrent that was filling her mind. Perhaps made it more abrupt and made his words that much louder.

[tessa]

As Mad Lews suggested, the POV changes are difficult, at best. True, the italisized text aided in this, though not so much as the definative differences in voice. I am reticent to offer ways that might make this a bit deeper, simply because I do not wish to re-write anything. However, I will try to offer a few things...

Hello? Hey, Mom. No, it’s okay. I’m just unpacking from the trip is all. It was a great weekend. Yes, that place up the coast that Laura heard about.”

She conversed, barely able to concentrate on aught but memories of her lover as he spake words that made her tremble"To have you all to myself, little one, here with me, for the first time, is such a gift. This is just the beginning for us. We will explore together and discover our passions. We will find paradise in each other. Come to me, my love. Let me lead you to the place where we both crave to dwell.
************

Of course, that's a quick suggestion. I am certain that what I offered is a bit rough, but you could have offered it similarly to make the differences more obvious. Moreover, similar interjections could have lent a bit more to the obvious torrent that was filling her mind. Perhaps made it more abrupt and made his words that much louder.

That is a great idea! It would have added more of her feeling about it all into the story and it would have improved the overall perspective of her rethinking the events, I think. Thank you very much for the suggestion!