Confusion about my role...

[Kansas Badman]

Sadly, having is often not as good as wanting. Your husband fantasized that domination meant that he could do whatever, whenever, and that life would be a playground full of exciting sex without effort or consequence. It's never that simple. There is a little secret hidden away in the background that isn’t always obvious to the casual observer. That secret is that dominant isn’t actually the one in charge….

Your husband has discovered that it takes a great deal of effort to control and satisfy a true submissive. Think about it … he has to decide when to set things up for playtime; he has to arrange to have all the toys present; he has to plan or at least improvise the what’s going to happen; he has to stay in role during the entire session and there’s more. It’s an intense and demanding task, being a dominant. He has to create the entire scenario and then play it out for the submissive every time. Compare that to what the submissive has to do.

The submissive has only to give up control of her body and allow her mind to become one with the moment. She lets the experience come to her. She is the one being dominated. She doesn’t have to actually do anything! In a healthy relationship, she even has the ultimate power of saying stop when things get to be too intense. It’s up to the dominant to watch her reactions closely so as to bring her to the desired emotional state. He really can’t abandon himself completely as the submissive does. By definition, he has to dominate his own emotions even more than he does the submissive’s. He has to remain in control.

Many beginner Doms find that they ultimately come up short of that sort of responsibility, management skills, and showmanship once the giddy thrill of making the first whip strike fades. It gets to be more work than thrill, more trouble than it’s worth. We’re not talking about a brute that beats up his girlfriend whenever he gets drunk. No, we’re talking about what is required of a successful dominant engaged long term in these games, one that also has to live in the real world when the lights go back up.

The little secret of BDSM is that the submissive is the one in charge. If she doesn’t get what she wants out of the deal then she’ll pick up and go away. That’s ultimate power.

Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation. Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

Don’t get me wrong; there are many examples of married couples that somehow manage to pull together in combined total BDSM happiness. It’s just that there are far more who don’t. It’s just the way it is. Everyone is human.

Best wishes to you both. -- KB

[almostsubmissive]

I had an answer all working and everything then I had to start over. Nice Post & Replies

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N!

That is an easier word to spell than it is to embrace.

It sounds like you have devalued yourself a bit...at least to you.
Giving yourself to him is GREAT...if that is what he can command from you!
It sounds like you need to be VERY bad!...I'm thinking NEW SHOES just for a start! When he is really ready to be in control; he can take them out for you and leave them somewhere obvious...and you...being a good little sub should wear them and embrace special service. Shoe are definitely a great start! Being a Spoiled Brat could bring him around to his gloves for a great spankin'!

Your DOM may be highly turned on by power and not understand how to get there...a little bad behavior goes a long way in my house. It is a great reminder of who is in charge...and how difficult it is to relinquish control...and...how fun, hot and sexy D/s can be!

Don't give up! If he doesn't COMMAND your submissive attitude...then show him that it is something that he will have to earn.

Be Patient: It MUST be nice being in charge...but as any large responsibility, it takes input and preparation, consideration and commitment, and can be a large amount of work and stress. I mean really you "let" him tie you up, but he has to figure out all those quick release knots!

If he doesn't take charge, give him the ultimatum of you being in control...heh.

almostsubmissive

[Flaming_Redhead]

He expects me to come to him to get things started and if I don't then he gets upset but I can't read his mind. Isn't he the one who's supposed to tell me what he wants? I have to tell him what I want and what I'd like for him to do to me. I'm about to go crazy. I'm just waiting for him to take the lead. Isn't that his job/role?

I've been there and done that!!! It's extremely frustrating when you want to give up control, but the "dominant" won't take it from you. My advice is to go to him and tell him how you feel. While you should be free to express your wants and desires, you shouldn't have to feel as if you're the one directing traffic.

Your husband fantasized that domination meant that he could do whatever, whenever, and that life would be a playground full of exciting sex without effort or consequence. Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here.

I'm biting my tongue right now, but suffice it to say that I disagreed with the entire post except for the first sentence in the quote. The second sentence is positively infuriating!!! It's a common vanilla male misconception that the lifestyle offers relationships that are easy, i.e. easy women who wait on them hand and foot and like being treated like a doormat. When they actually discover what it's all about, they lose interest. Why? Because they're not really dominant. They're just LAZY! All relationships take work, and that goes for all parties involved. There's no such thing as a free ride for anyone, including submissives who ONLY have to give up control. A true dominant enjoys being in charge and will make every effort to learn what you want and need. Again, if the relationship is at a stalemate, it's time to do some serious talking.

[thir]

.
Think about it … he has to decide when to set things up for playtime; he has to arrange to have all the toys present; he has to plan or at least improvise the what’s going to happen; he has to stay in role during the entire session and there’s more. It’s an intense and demanding task, being a dominant. He has to create the entire scenario and then play it out for the submissive every time. Compare that to what the submissive has to do.

The submissive has only to give up control of her body a nd allow her mind to become one with the moment.She doesn’t have to actually do anything!

How about changing sides ;-)
(Only joking)

He really can’t abandon himself completely as the submissive does. By definition, he has to dominate his own emotions even more than he does the submissive’s. He has to remain in control.

This is true, and something I personally sometimes find frustrating.
How do you manage?

It gets to be more work than thrill, more trouble than it’s worth.

Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation. Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

I don't actually recognize this statistic here. I think there are more committed relationships BDSM/Ds or whatever than single. This because yes you do have to work at it, but when done, you reap the rewards.

[Borgs_slave]

=Kansas Badman;699878]

The submissive has only to give up control of her body and allow her mind to become one with the moment. She lets the experience come to her. She is the one being dominated. She doesn’t have to actually do anything!



Wow! All I can say is that is biggest load of poo!!




Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation.
Again I will just refer to my poo comment.


[QUOTE][/QUOTE]Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

Do you have stats to prove your theory? I know many M/s couples including myself that have been married a long time and are quite happy

Don’t get me wrong; there are many examples of married couples that somehow manage to pull together in combined total BDSM happiness. It’s just that there are far more who don’t.


Again do you have stats or is this just your own ramblings?

You are so way off and seem to promote myths more than truths bad , bad advice for someone new and looking for help.