Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

[StormKat]

I've been dating a guy for a couple months now who's a Dom. From the conversations we've had, every relationship he's been in has been this way, and I'm the first girl he's ever dated who hasn't already been Submissive.

I'm having flashbacks here as this is sort of how I came into the BDSM world - I wish you the best of luck with figuring out if it's right for you but urge you not to get into a situation you really don't want just because of a guy you've only known a few months. This lifestyle isn't for everyone; it's also perfectly ok to keep the parts & pieces you do like & toss the rest

1. How do I define/push my boundaries without things going too far? How do I let him know if things have gone too far? (For example, he says there will be times that I will probably end up crying but that that's just part of pushing my boundaries and I'm not sure how to feel about that.)

I'd recommend you start with the BDSM checklist thread in the forums, which is a massive list of all kinds of kinky things. You'll probably have to look some of them up online - I certainly did! You assign a rating to each activity, indicating things you've done, how much you like it, or how much you'd like to try it.

You & your boyfriend can each complete the checklist individually & then compare notes to see where your interests overlap. Those mutual activities can give you a good starting point towards stepping into the BDSM pool. It should also provide some clarity around those items you consider a hard limit - the "no, no, hell no" category.

Definitely also set up a safeword, a word you can say that will make your boyfriend stop what he's doing immediately so you guys can talk about what happened that you didn't like or that scared you. From personal experience, if he says he doesn't do safewords, walk away now. Especially when this stuff is new to you, it's important to have a way to make something that feels wrong stop!

2. If there are things I think I will never like, and think will hurt me (more than I think I can handle - on an emotional level, more than physical), should I still agree to try them, or is it ok to not be ready, or not ever be ready, for certain things?

I would say there's no reason to rush into things. Try some different activities that seem more comfortable to you now, then see if those items trigger your interest in exploring more. For example, let him spank your ass during sex - if it feels good, then maybe you can consider trying a paddle or a flogger in the future. If that doesn't work for you, then maybe try cooking him dinner as a first exploration into personal service.

There are things that you may never have an interest in or never be ready to try - and that's ok! You can set them as hard limits or even soft limits, those things you really don't think you want to do but you might someday consider because it would make your dom really happy. Also, be aware that your interests may change with time & as you grow more comfortable with the relationship, the dom, the lifestyle, etc.

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?

You'll probably be doing a lot of self-reflection as you start down this path, figuring out what you like, why you like it, what it means that you do. Unfortunately, the only person that can really answer this question is you...

I will say that from my experience, I came to realize that there are things I do like that may not be considered "normal" but really, who wants to be just the same as everyone else anyway? I like being different rather than having a barcode. I also realized that the things I like aren't really hurting anyone, don't violate my own personal code of honor & are kept private between me & the other parties directly involved. So I place my personal opinion over what society tells me to believe is "shameful".

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.

Oh boy, this is a tough one! You should realize that not all BDSM situations involve name calling, although it is a fairly common occurrence. The first time the dom that brought me into this world called me a slut, I smacked him (note that I do not necessarily endorse this reaction ). We ended up talking about it, a lot, but part of what made me more comfortable with it was finding out how he defined "slut". Based on his definition, well, ok, I pretty much was a slut LOL. It's definitely something that grew on me over time & as the situation progressed. It's also a word that I accepted only from him - if anybody else called me a slut, I'd drop the gloves!

It was similar with the whole "good girl" thing for me. My knee jerk I'm-not-a-freakin'-puppy reaction the first time that came along (again, I don't recommend smacking your boyfriend/dom over it) eventually mellowed. Talking about it, learning that to him it was a token that I'd done something that pleased him rather than being condescending went a long way towards me accepting it without raised hackles.

5. Does anyone have any advice in general as I feel like I'm overreacting and over thinking things? My fear is that I won't be able to find a balance with how far I can go and be comfortable, and have him still be happy.

So I'm totally an analytical person & I got this line from that original dom guy as well. Yes, some things in this world just are what they are, all you can do is accept them & move on. They defy logical explanation no matter how hard you try to find a reason/an answer/a rationalization that makes sense.

However, I caution you to be careful about being so concerned about overreacting that you get into a situation that isn't where you want to be. Trust your instincts - if something feels wrong for you, it probably is. Your personal safety is critical.

Also, keep in mind that your comfort factor & you being happy with yourself, your life & the choices you're making, should be more important than keeping your boyfriend/potential dom happy.

Good luck!

[Ozme52]

I'd recommend you start with the BDSM checklist thread in the forums, which is a massive list of all kinds of kinky things. You'll probably have to look some of them up online - I certainly did! You assign a rating to each activity, indicating things you've done, how much you like it, or how much you'd like to try it.

You & your boyfriend can each complete the checklist individually & then compare notes to see where your interests overlap. Those mutual activities can give you a good starting point towards stepping into the BDSM pool. It should also provide some clarity around those items you consider a hard limit - the "no, no, hell no" category.

Yep. This was also my first suggestion. But not just start with this. Revisit it oftne. Update it. Think about the things you initially said "no-no" to. Don't be shy about changing it to "no-curious" or even "no-that's hot" if you saw or read about a scene and you want to reconsider. And by the same token don't hesitate to change something into a limit if you hated the activity having tried it. There is so much to try, it is rare that eliminating a single class of activities will leave your partner "unfullfilled".

Definitely also set up a safeword, a word you can say that will make your boyfriend stop what he's doing immediately so you guys can talk about what happened that you didn't like or that scared you.

Not to mention that a safeword is an excellent way to let your dom know to keep going (by not uttering it) when you may be otherwise unable to express yourself rationally other than knowing you want more of the same.

From personal experience, if he says he doesn't do safewords, walk away now. Especially when this stuff is new to you, it's important to have a way to make something that feels wrong stop!

Definitely. IMO, safewords should be "required" between new couples.

[openyoureyes]

Yep. This was also my first suggestion. But not just start with this. Revisit it oftne. Update it. Think about the things you initially said "no-no" to. Don't be shy about changing it to "no-curious" or even "no-that's hot" if you saw or read about a scene and you want to reconsider. And by the same token don't hesitate to change something into a limit if you hated the activity having tried it. There is so much to try, it is rare that eliminating a single class of activities will leave your partner "unfullfilled".
Not to mention that a safeword is an excellent way to let your dom know to keep going (by not uttering it) when you may be otherwise unable to express yourself rationally other than knowing you want more of the same. Definitely. IMO, safewords should be "required" between new couples.

Thank you. I definitely agree about the list. When I first looked it over it was... very thorough, and very intimidating, but I understand that the answers will change. One of the first things I said after I filled it out was that I might want to look it over again in a couple of months after we've tried some things because I will have a better idea then of where I'm at. We also talked about it today and we do have a safe word.